What is 'Men's Work' and How Do we go about it?
‘Men’s work’ is a term used to refer to a safe space created for men to gather for personal transformation and growth. Sometimes these spaces are a way to work through mental and spiritual struggles, pain, suffering and stuck emotions from the past or present. Having been through this process many men continue to step into these spaces for life, to help others.
‘Men’s work’ is not a new term. Men have gathered around the fire for millenia to share wisdom and plan their collective path forward.
In this modern age, it is as important as ever for men to gather in healthy and safe spaces and continue this tradition.
Men are on the wrong side of most modern health stats.
Suicide (3 times more likely than women), cancer, stroke, heart disease, diabetes.. Why? Largely because men are taught by society to hide their emotions from a young age. These stuck emotions over time manifest in to dis-ease, overthinking, poor health, extra weight, reduced mobility, bad habits, poor diet, addictions etc.
As men, we’ve also strayed a long way from our healthy masculine path as protectors, adventurers, highly tribal connected hunter gatherer beings dialled in to nature and the world of wairua/spirit.
As a society we may be more open to asking - are you OK? And more open to hearing, that someone, a mate, family member, colleauge is not OK. But the fact is not everyone has the skills, training, open mind or lived experience or time to help you work through it.
So we need, more than ever, safe spaces to come back to our truth. And Men have their own way to work through emotional pain, that is unique from women.
What do I mean by safe spaces?
I will use the protocol we follow with our Men’s Wellbeing Retreats as an example of a ‘safe space’ or ‘container’ for men.
1.Confidentiality. First and foremost. If someone is going to unpack their deepest emotions, trauma and personal history, it needs to stay within the group. Period. For this reason, men’s work is not for everyone. Men’s work is for men who ready to step into a space of integrity, for men ready to process other men’s pain, without talking about it outside the group later.
2.Zero judgement. Emotions get hidden for a reason. At some stage we’ve all experienced that disappointment of being judged from a young age, by peers, colleagues, teachers, bosses or family, and essentially, shut our emotions down as a result. Men’s work is about breaking this programming and opening our hearts back up. So we need men around us that will not judge, laugh, or interrupt with solutions before we get our whole truth out.
3. Empathy and Ressonance. Men want to be heard. Part of the magic of a men’s circle or men’s group is having the pain, trauma or suffering from the past witnessed by other men and acknowledged. Comments like “Bro’ I really see and feel your pain” go a long way to starting the healing journey.
4.Commitment to the work. It is called men’s work for a reason. We ask all men once we open a space, to stay the path. There’s no running away, no leaving early, or coming late. No stone left unturned. No hard question left unasked. This is one of the reasons our Men’s Retreats are 4 days long. Sometimes everything comes out around the fire at the start. Its been bottled up ready to let out. But sometimes, it is not until the last circle, and the right question is asked, or trust finally built, that the real truth comes out.
5.An open, conscious mind. Men who come into these spaces are often already becoming a different version of themselves. You can only go so far, talking to your immediate circle of family or friends who sometimes will have a preconceived notion of who you are. This is the beauty of stepping into a space of strangers, of fellow good men, with the right protocol in place. Your true self is witnessed. You come back to your true self.
6. Purifying the space. There’s no place for alcohol or drugs, period. They didn’t call alcohol, ‘spirits’ for nothing! Be careful what spirits you are inviting in! These spaces always work best, when you’ve done some work to clean up the body prior to joining, so, if you’ve been a heavy drinker, its best to do some pre work and taper back, and turn up sober, not hungover! Booze is a large part of the programme we are trying to shift, it might dull down the pain for a few hours, we’re not in men’s work to dull down the pain, we’re hear to experience and shift it. There are other rituals, prayer/karakia and protocols that we use to purify the energy field of the room or space we are in. A massive part of our retreats is educating men that everything is energy. The music we listen to, the food and drink we consume, our thoughts and beliefs. Our spoken and written word. Our written word is called ‘spelling’ for a reason. We can create our reality. As humans everything we think, believe and hold on to, becomes our reality. So, there is a protocol to follow in acknowledging our ancestors and all the miracles that have led us in to being here in the present moment and using that collective magic for healing. On our retreats we learn to ‘feel’ into the unseen that is all around us. We go in to everything we do on retreat with the right Intention.
7. Integration. It is all well and good to korero and get some perspective, it is another to create a new reality once you leave a space. For this reason, it is ideal to have the time in men’s work to practice and physically embody things that will make your reality more healthy, and put a plan in place to keep them up. It is one of the reasons we take 4 days on our retreats and deep dive into nutrition, meditation , breathing and movement, and have a 50 page workbook to formulate a future plan, on our wellbeing retreats.
There are more and more of these safe spaces opening up in communities right around New Zealand and the world.
At Provider we have our own unique 4 day container, using fishing and diving as one of the immediate touch points that many Kiwi men can relate to. For many of the men joining, it is the first time they have experienced men’s work, and having some fishing, diving and time on the water makes it an experience they can immediately resonate with. It provides us with the healthy ‘mauri kai; or food with life force, and connects us back into nature. But our retreats, as you’ve just read, are much more than that.. If this has made you more curious than ever, then maybe it is time you jumped into this space?
We also have an event coming up, our Men’s Wellbeing Summit, which aims to join some of the dots and connect together the many groups around Aotearoa that are doing this work. If this article has resonated, we’d love to have you join us.