Some thoughts on Judgement and Non-Judgement

Judgement.

I hold spaces for men, of non judgement.

What does that even mean and why is it important?

Today I thought I’d share some thoughts on non-judgement.

I’m sure we can all relate to the feeling of being judged, here in New Zealand. It takes a pretty strong person to put their hand up to be an All Black Coach in this country knowing there are 5 million people more qualified for the job. Seems this nation has an opinion on everything.

Judge - literally means to hold authority over someone, and decide whether they are upholding the ‘law’. How often have you felt judged by someone who has no authority over you?

Every week I work with men who have been judged, often their whole life, by others, often their inner circle, and mostly, by themself. They might have even dished a fair bit of it out in return to others. And cracks are starting to show in their mask and armour. Pain. Anxiety. Disease. Depression. Stress. Poor sleep.

The last thing they want, if they are reaching out for help - is more judgement.

If you don’t want judgement, you can put boundaries up and isolate yourself, or …you can seek out a tribe that doesn’t judge. Sometimes our Men’s Wellbeing Retreats are the first time men have experienced being in social situation with other men without judgement being dished out will nilly.

From a very young age we watch closely which of our actions light up the faces of those around us, and what doesn’t. We alter our behaviour to fit in. We end up doing this in other ways later in life with friend groups and in relationships. Hundreds of thousands of small interactions forming our operating system.

We put on masks, we become actors - without even knowing.

We start judging ourselves.

The thing is we didn’t come to Earth to fit in or be judged. We came to be our authentic self and to up level in our spiritual maturity, within the laws of the universe, not the judgement of Bob down the road. We all came with our own Inner Essence (gifts, strengths, personality - what makes you, uniquely you) and our own mission. Walking this path should come with Ease.

Judgement from others, and of ourselves, puts layer after layer over our Inner Essence. The mask. This detracts us from the path of our mission.

The universe has its own laws. They are not man made. If we’re not living up to our mission, that starts showing up in our mental and physical health. They say ‘first its a feather, then its a brick, then its a bus.’ Ignore the feather, your body’s warning signs, push them down or medicate them, often in mid-life, it all comes to the surface. Dis-Ease.The brick. The brick hurts. Listen to the brick. Or….Ignore the brick, and its the bus - we don’t want the bus. It is said….“Death is nature’s way of telling us to slow down.”

When I finally found my own voice and inner truth, after navigating my own way through the dark, I ended up feeling the fire of judgement, and can now spot it a mile away. Having been on the other end of judgement gives me muscle memory to not judge others. I can sit in the spaces I hold for men going through similar experiences and LISTEN. And ASK QUESTIONS.

You know the person who judges - they interrupt and give advice before someone has finished speaking. I’ve learnt the opposite of judgement is listening and asking questions. When you just shut up and stop trying to hand out advice - the flood gates open - especially when the right group space is held, like on our Men’s Retreats. It all comes out.

Our Men’s Retreats are not reserved for people in a crisis or hitting the wall. It is not just a mental health retreat. It is a space to practice non-judgement and take a holistic look at everything. Every man should come and experience it - to practice deep listening and the art of non judgement. To have an open mind to try new things that are good for you, explore and practice new concepts that might just keep you alive and thriving for longer.

The feather or brick, could be Joint pain. It could be poor sleep. It could be Type2 diabetes. It could just be a sense something is not quite right. It could just be a ‘knowing’ there is more to life. Instead of looking to a doctor for authority - are you brave enough to look at what is really under the surface?

A good Coach or Guide will help get below the surface - without pre-conceived ideas or judgement about what is going on.

Don’t mistake Non-Judgement for Non-Acountability. As a society we’re quick to judge, often not quick enough to hold bad behaviour to account. If I say a vape is down right bad for you - is not judgement - its truth.

There is a fine line between not judging someone and not holding them to account. If someone’s is going off the rails - behaviour that is unacceptable, they still need a wake up call.

Men need to be held to account. I see men’s eyes open up and the ‘oh f***” in their expression, when they think they’ve stepped into a space where I am going to be soft on them and I give them a wake up call, “bro, thats bullshit, you are lying to yourself’ or tell them they’ve crossed a line that is not acceptable. I look back at my life and the times I should have held some of the loudest guys in my peer group to account for how they were speaking about women. But I just tried to fit in, instead and shut up, or even worse laughed along. We still need Values and a Framework to work in, that is why we have the Provider codes. Step outside them and see nice Carl turn into someone else. Thats not judgement, thats accountability.

When you emerge into authenticity, your own light, you find your tribe. Like attracts like. Your vibration attracts a similar vibration. After time and distance from people who stepped away or you stepped away from, sooner or later, the ones you are meant to be there, see your new found light and energy, and come back into the circle - on your terms, not theirs. They see the new you, and know the line of judgement not to step over.

Want to explore non-judgement more, sign up for an upcoming Men’s Retreat, next one starts in 10 days time...